a storm's a'comin'

i don't know how to be a normal person. i feel too much all the time.. and it gets in the way. i put my whole heart into everything and i don't even mean to. and it seems like this would always be a good thing because at least i'm not feeling too little but everyone here seems to feel nothing at all.. it shouldn't make me feel like it would take a special kind of person to love me. there are only so many special kind of people in the world and what if i don't find one? if i'm constantly putting my heart into everything, if i never restrain the love i put forth in my life, that means i have to get some back from somewhere, sometime. when am i going to be able to stop waiting? i've been waiting for years. everyone says they don't bullshit and they hate bullshit and they don't like to play games but am i really the only one who means it? i shouldn't have to be afraid that if i do what i feel, i'll push someone away or scare them away or that it woould be wrong. in what kind of world could that be wrong?

WHAT IS EVERYONE SO AFRAID OF? and why wasn't i born afraid of it, so i could be like everyone else? someone its so hard being who i am. sometimes, like now, it breaks me into gutwrenching, heartstopping sobs and i sound pathetic and my nose sounds disgusting and i look terrible.  i don't even live in some hard place. i live in an ordinary city in an ordinary state in a free country where i'm allowed to love who i want. and that isn't the problem. because i am as open to love as i could possibly be, but it seems like everyone is afraid of that. how could i feel something so strong and someone else feel none of that? how is that even possible? and how is it possible for someone else to be afraid of the way i can feel? what is there to be afraid of? i don't even know what to do sometimes, just to be happy, the simplest of things. i just don't want to have to turn into a bitter person with a wrinkled heart in order to fit in with other people. i don't want to find my lifemate in a situation where its just convenient. there are all kinds of love in this world but wheres the kind i'm looking for? the only kind i could possibly deserve.

why am i typing this here when there should be someone in my life for me to tell this to? and for them to say "lindsey, you aren't crazy. this is a blessing, a gift. i'm not just like you, but i love you for the way you love me." even at midnight. especially at midnight.

you lit the candle that sent a flame down the east coast

i feel like i'm playing with fire over hereee. it's keeping me warm at night but there is a huge risk of being burnt. i'm happy but i have to wonder what the fall out would feel like.  it's so hard to be attached to something that isn't attached to you; i don't really have him but i know that i could lose him.  it's much easier to go through a break up when there's actually something to break up.

BUT we're not breaking up or whatever and right now things are good and i'm just trying my best to enjoy it (:

hey so

so umm